Don't speak, liar.

Up late again, pissed at the world.
Namely, posers.
That group includes the Jonas Brothers, and anything else Disney that claims to be 'different from the rest'. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Miley.
Also, it includes the preppy bitches that for some reason go into hot topic and try to get the sales people to explain 'why the hell you emo people are always so SAD' (Yeah, this happened when I was there yesterday.)
This is also the girlie punks, the fake skaters, the scenesters and the hot-topic brand emo kids.
Let's start from the top, shall we?
Jonas Brothers.
You have ruined music, okay? Stop singing. You sing about being lonely, your girlfriends, breaking up with your girlfriends, and having a girlfriend but liking another girl.
That is it. Absolutely it. You have no talent, guys. Please, grow up, and stop dressing like you're trying to be the next disco elvis of pop town.
It's not even a good mental image, man.
Miley Cyrus
You need to stop, too. Just...stop. From what I've heard, you're a bitch, slut, and totally just all around snobby. But, I don't know you. That's only what I've heard. Your music sucks. You can sing (kind of), I'll give you that much, but stop having a television show, two personalities, and mass marketing your shitty merchandise. There are bands who have to try so insanely hard to get to where they are (Paramore and My Chem to name two) and you get to coast right to the top because your daddies famous and got you a contract with Disney.
Disney
Stay the fuck away from music. That's all I have to say.
Preps
There's too much to fit here. Have you EVER looked in the mirror and just thought, "What am I doing? Why does how much I weigh REALLY matter? Who cares what color lip gloss I'm wearing? Why do I follow around anyone popular?" Because, honey, you have to wake up. Or you're going to get your ass kicked by some REAL punk kids.
Girlie Punks
Pink is NOT hardcore. Dressing in all black doesn't make your punk. Listening to punk music, being influenced by punk culture, and having a punk state of mind makes you punk. Shopping at hot topic does not give you a random pass to come into this culture and say HEY I LOOK LIKE YOU DO YOU LOVE ZAC EFRON TOO? Because I will shoot you with a baseball bat. You don't even want to know how that's done.
Fake Skaters
Suck it up and learn to skate. Seriously. Just stop being a poser, a hole.
Scenesters
Okay, I get scenesters. You all are actually pretty cool. But If you're going to have the scene look, you better know your music. You also better know what I'm talking about when I say boys will be boys and the friday night boys, if you live in my area. Seriously, go to some shows. Meet some people. Learn soem music. Wearing bright colors and spiking up your hair weird doesnt make you scene.
Hot-Topic-Brand-Emos
Posers. That's all you are. When everything you own is from one store, and you dress a certain way because it's cool or you think it'll impress someone, stop. Because you are a poser, and you can't honsetly expect to walk around looking like a little emo kid without running into emo kids who actually are emo kids and they find you out and kick your ass.
Everybody hates posers. Expecially punks, goths, and REAL emo kids.




I think I've ranted enough tonight :]

You're my girl, and I think it's a shame that we get along this way.

Is it slutty to sleep in a tank top and underwear?
Because that's what I've been trying to sleep in for the past 3 hours. And I keep thinking, "You look so slutty. Thank god no one can see you right now."
I would go put some pants on, but its freaking freezing in my room. I'm refusing to get out of bed, even though I really have to pee. If it weren't for this down comforter, I'd be frozen solid. My mom told me she going to order me an electric blanket :]
The reason it's so cold in my house is that all three of the thermostats in the house are an equal distance away from my room- far. And, all the hot air goes to Scott's room, and none comes down the hall to mine. I think it's also the huge sliding glass door that doesn't actually 100% close, but really closes 99% or something like that. Plus the glass is really thin and doesn't hold heat in very well.
But enough about me freezing my white girl ass off.
I've been having this feeling like I want to run all my life.
About an hour after I get really pissed off at someone, I have the urge to leave. Just put on some freaking shoes and run away, until no one remembers my name or how badly I've screwed my life up just by being born.
I guess it's the fight-or-flight instinct kicking in, a bit delayed but still valid. I'm just glad I can make myself not give in; it would be so hard to live anywhere else. Much as I might complain about it, and complain about my family, they're all I've ever know. This life here, with my rich lawyer daddy who understands me way better than my psychologist, counselor mother who is always trying to control my life. And my brother, who annoys me every hour of every day, but really cares a lot about me, underneath of everything he does.
I just wish it didn't take me 6 long years to realize I'd wasted 4 years of my life on pretending to be someone who I could never be.
Someone who I thought fit into a 'perfect family'.
Because, that's what my family looks exactly like from the outside.
Beautiful house, on great land, in a great school district.
Rich father who has family in California.
Working mother who is really a country girl at heart.
Handsome son, who is extremely popular and very good at sports.
and then, there's the daughter, who is just average, quirky, wears too much black, doesn't consider whats socially acceptable, and likes to play music so loud the neighbors can hear it.
I don't really fit.
And for some reason, after 4 long years of trying so, so, so hard, I understand that there is no such thing as perfect, only getting close.
And when you get that close, it's dangerous. Just ask any teenager you see who isn't surrounded by friends, laughing at everything a cute boy/girl is saying, who is listening to rock, or rap, or punk, or anything besides pop as high as it can go to drown out every thought in their head, who isn't gushing over how hot him/her is.
All these kids, the loners, the rockers, the freaks, can tell you that being perfect isn't exactly possible.
You just have to be who you are, and that's about as perfect as you'll ever get in this fucked up world.

stop it, come on, you're not making sense now.

I should be sleeping.
But I never do actually do what I'm supposed to do, do I?
There were 4 do's in that sentence.
Whoa. My count is really going up.
Anyway. Did you know that if you scratch your leg hard enough with your fingernail, you can draw blood? Because I honestly didn't. My leg was just really itchy. Now I have this really long, bad ass scratch up the side of my thigh, which will probably end up scabbing over by monday.
I'm just hoping if I have to go get a cat scan (like Dr.Borat-look-alike said he wanted to do) it'll just be a tiny line no doctors will really notice.
They're already considering depression as a reason for my "extreme fatigue", and I don't want them getting any evidence (no matter how false it may be) toward that. I keep telling people, "I think I would KNOW if I were depressed." Well, I do know.
There is a very good chance I am depressed.
Or have diabetes, if you want to be optimistic. Which really isn't that much of a better option. I can't stand needles, so having to prick my finger everyday? Not going so hot in my mind right now.
I really hope its just anemia or something that could shut down my internal organs.
Compared to poking myself with a needle, I'd rather take the shut down internal organs.
That's how serious I am about the needle thing.
Also, thanks giving sucked.
My aunt was her normal, evangelical, jonas-loving self.
My grandma called me a little bitch.
My dad yelled at me for being antisocial after a wave of fatigue hit me and I almost passed out on the couch.
My uncle tried to tickle me.
My brother annoyed the crap out of me.
It was not very fun, trust me.
Oh, and my dad decided to cook turkey AND rabbit.
RABBIT. I know.
It makes me want to cry.
POOR FLUFFY BUNNY :[

Love never wanted me, but I took it anyway.

I'm in the process of figuring myself out. I think everyone is, but not everyone knows it. I've been trying new things, acting a bit differently, to see if anything fits.
I think the reason I'm trying so hard to find where Sarah fits into this world as a person is, I have a feeling once I know who I really am, I'll be able to answer the questions that people ask me everyday.
"Why are you wearing that?"
"What are you thinking?"
"Who do you think you are?"
"Are you crazy?"
Underneath it all, I think it's because I want so desperately to be noticed by people. Even if it's just an 'ew, who the hell is that emo freak?' passing thought, I like to be noticed and stand out.
My whole life has been one huge attempt at finding ways to stand out and yet, still fit in. No matter how much I renounce my former, preppy, backstabbing, crazed, bitchy ways, I still find myself being painfully self-conscience. When I'm happy, I mean, TRULY, truly, happy, I am always not thinking about how weird I look, or what I'm saying, or who might be looking at me. I'm just living in the moment, ignoring everything else.
And for some reason, that's so hard for me to do.
It really bothers me.

Tell me baby, pretty baby, that this house is not a grave yard.

So, I was just thinking about something Gerard said in one of his interviews.

He always says things that get to me, but this struck me as strange at the time. I actually thought, "Who actually does that?"

But I do it.

Every day. 

He said, "It's when it becomes an escape that it's a major problem. Like, if this happens, then I'll just, you know..." He was talking about suicide.

I do that so often, i think, "Well, if I can't handle doing that, I could always kill myself."

 I know people say that to themselves sometimes, as a joke or something, but I do it pretty often.

Sometimes I catch myself in a thought and stop, but it comes up so often that it's starting to scare me a little bit. Anyway, I still feel really alone, but I'm talking to Kevin on AIM, and he's making me feel better.

I told him about being really depressed earlier.

He made me feel better, even though he was just being a freak :]

I love that freaking asian.

timeswerebetter (10:55:21 PM): i've been a mess all day. i slept until one, then cried because i so freaking depressed for like an hour, then slept, then screamed at everyone

timeswerebetter (10:55:33 PM): then sprayed scott with glitter.

timeswerebetter (10:55:42 PM): im so freakign alone. i hate it.

Drawingz22 (10:55:48 PM): o.o

Drawingz22 (10:55:53 PM): ur weirfooo

Drawingz22 (10:55:54 PM): :]

Drawingz22 (10:55:57 PM): we gettta chil fridayyyy 

Please, please, I'm running out of sympathy.

Yeah, it's been a while.

whatever.

There's not a lot of times when I feel so utterly lonely. Even though Scott is downstairs with his friend Josh, and my mom is in the kitchen, when I'm sitting here alone in my room, listening to the 58 new songs I bought off iTunes today (I told my mom I only bought 32...oops. ;]) I feel empty. I've never been the most popular kid, but up until this year, I've always had someone to talk to.

In my head, I know I can just call someone, anyone, and have a conversation for a few hours, or minutes. But I'm still sitting here, staring at my phone.

Because I can't shake the thought that no one wants to talk to me.

I'll make a list of people I could to talk to in my current state of despair.

I like lists...

Brenda- Probably talking to Alanna, or listening to music. I don't want to interrupt.

Brennan- It's a holiday, so he's at his dad's house. If his phone goes off at his dad's house any later than 5, he gets in huge trouble. Plus, he normally overreacts to everything.

Katie- She doesn't have a cell phone, and calling people's house this late always seems to be high up in the DONT DO'S of a parent's handbook. 

 WE STOP THIS LIST FOR AN IMPORTANT CELL PHONE CALL

Brennan called :]

We talked for about 4 minutes. Then he got all awkward and hung up.

Alone all over again.

sigh.

Call I'm sick, call I'm lonely, call I'm desprate for your voice.

I'm home sick. Woooooooo!
I can tell this is only getting worse, because every single time I feel dizzy, I get a low, low, fever, like 99.2 to 99.5. Then, I rest, and I feel better, and then get even dizzier, and the room starts spinning. Then I have a fever of 100.5 to 101.7. Every single day...
Plus, I'm always tired. I can understand why the nurse at school could think I have Mono. I would too, but my throat doesn't hurt.
I'm gunna go take my temperature again, so I know how far this is progressing.
12:00- 99.1
12:20- 99.4
12:40- 99.5
Ughh. I've watched nothing but crappy TV today. I'm watching Norbit now. I've seen it about 60 times, but I just realized Mr.Wong is actually Eddie Murphy. Wow....