You're my girl, and I think it's a shame that we get along this way.

Is it slutty to sleep in a tank top and underwear?
Because that's what I've been trying to sleep in for the past 3 hours. And I keep thinking, "You look so slutty. Thank god no one can see you right now."
I would go put some pants on, but its freaking freezing in my room. I'm refusing to get out of bed, even though I really have to pee. If it weren't for this down comforter, I'd be frozen solid. My mom told me she going to order me an electric blanket :]
The reason it's so cold in my house is that all three of the thermostats in the house are an equal distance away from my room- far. And, all the hot air goes to Scott's room, and none comes down the hall to mine. I think it's also the huge sliding glass door that doesn't actually 100% close, but really closes 99% or something like that. Plus the glass is really thin and doesn't hold heat in very well.
But enough about me freezing my white girl ass off.
I've been having this feeling like I want to run all my life.
About an hour after I get really pissed off at someone, I have the urge to leave. Just put on some freaking shoes and run away, until no one remembers my name or how badly I've screwed my life up just by being born.
I guess it's the fight-or-flight instinct kicking in, a bit delayed but still valid. I'm just glad I can make myself not give in; it would be so hard to live anywhere else. Much as I might complain about it, and complain about my family, they're all I've ever know. This life here, with my rich lawyer daddy who understands me way better than my psychologist, counselor mother who is always trying to control my life. And my brother, who annoys me every hour of every day, but really cares a lot about me, underneath of everything he does.
I just wish it didn't take me 6 long years to realize I'd wasted 4 years of my life on pretending to be someone who I could never be.
Someone who I thought fit into a 'perfect family'.
Because, that's what my family looks exactly like from the outside.
Beautiful house, on great land, in a great school district.
Rich father who has family in California.
Working mother who is really a country girl at heart.
Handsome son, who is extremely popular and very good at sports.
and then, there's the daughter, who is just average, quirky, wears too much black, doesn't consider whats socially acceptable, and likes to play music so loud the neighbors can hear it.
I don't really fit.
And for some reason, after 4 long years of trying so, so, so hard, I understand that there is no such thing as perfect, only getting close.
And when you get that close, it's dangerous. Just ask any teenager you see who isn't surrounded by friends, laughing at everything a cute boy/girl is saying, who is listening to rock, or rap, or punk, or anything besides pop as high as it can go to drown out every thought in their head, who isn't gushing over how hot him/her is.
All these kids, the loners, the rockers, the freaks, can tell you that being perfect isn't exactly possible.
You just have to be who you are, and that's about as perfect as you'll ever get in this fucked up world.